The Autism News | English


I still remember the frantic butterflies swirling inside my belly the first time I saw him standing there, surrounded by his buddies near the pool tables. I was expecting a careless evening out with friends; instead, in the dim light of a local pub, with Prince thumping on the Jukebox in the background, I fell madly and unexpectedly in love.

Ours was a whirlwind romance; like most couples basking in the newness of their relationship, we annoyed everyone around us with our PG-13 public displays of affection. We were inseparable and over the moon – and in the delirium of those first few intoxicating months, we daydreamed about our future together; he the doting husband and father, me the devoted wife and mommy. We pictured our home, agreed enthusiastically to fill it with children, and fell asleep wrapped up in each other’s arms, intertwined in the possibilities of our life together.

The wake-up call came a few years later, when in the midst of our young marriage, our firstborn son Andrew was diagnosed with severe autism and epilepsy at the age of 2, and suddenly we found ourselves devastated parents buried under the crushing weight of broken dreams.

Not quite so romantic anymore.

It didn’t help that I began using Merlot as a coping mechanism, my growing addiction fueled by the intense stress that was taking over our household. While my husband went off to work each day, I was left to face a very different reality from the one we had so perfectly constructed in our naïve hearts, and soon our seemingly solid marriage began to show significant signs of wear and tear.

* * *

The fact that a marriage isn’t easy to sustain isn’t necessarily news to most. With current statistics hovering at nearly 50% for first time marriages that end in divorce, it’s hard to remain optimistic that a passionate “I do” won’t turn into a bitter “I don’t.” Factor in the excruciating physical, emotional, and financial demands of raising a special needs child, and you’re left with odds even a seasoned gambler would balk at.

Though the grim rates of divorce previously reported among families dealing with diagnoses such as autism were recently debunked in a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, the study maintains that “There seems to be a prolonged vulnerability for divorce in parents of children with autism,” according to Sigan Hartley, the lead author of the report.

When I reached out to the local community of special needs families and asked them about the impact it had on their marriage, it didn’t take long to see that many such relationships collapsed under the overwhelming strain of raising a special needs child.

“We divorced directly related to the stress of raising our two special needs children. We had polarizing view points on their treatments, and I felt that my husband was using all of our financial resources, (getting a second mortgage and ultimately losing our home) to pay for alternative treatments,” said Claudia from Mission Viejo.

Angie from Fullerton, whose 15-year-old son was diagnosed with autism at 20 months, recalls her ex’s reaction to the news: “Once we had the diagnosis my spouse just stayed at work. There was an entire summer he was not home but maybe 3 days. He would stay in his car to avoid us. My daughter, who is typical, didn’t understand what was going on. Ultimately there was a nasty divorce but I never brought it home. My kids only knew that I loved them, that their father was busy and that I would always be there, and I have kept that promise.”

Tricia, a mother of triplets who have a variety of diagnoses, including autism, ADHD, and OCD, became a single parent after it became apparent that her ex-husband wanted nothing to do with the day to day responsibilities of raising their special needs sons.

“Once the boys were diagnosed he spent almost no time at home anymore and never did anything with us as a family. He would drive himself to family gatherings and just stay a short while and not attend any school functions. When I would come home from a conference or talk about a book I read he would get up and leave the room. I had zero support from him. I divorced him 6 yrs ago because I couldn’t stand how he treated our two sons who are most impacted, If they are really lucky he will say hi to them when he picks up or drops off our third son every weekend.”

The Orange County Register

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